Jerry, you need to find god
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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