i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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