I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
