Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She's the barista slut.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
