you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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