What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
3 2 1 whiskey
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
