We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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