just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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