just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
