I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize