This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
