and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
