No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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