my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
