16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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