seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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