Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
