your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
