Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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