he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
How's work?
Spinning.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
