i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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