I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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