he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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