so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
