Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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