the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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