I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
