i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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