I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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