I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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