Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
