ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
