Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
