Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
