I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
