last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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