dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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