I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
