if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Green mimosas i think yes
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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