Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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