i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
