Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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