You really coming over, don't trick.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
