i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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