the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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