Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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