I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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