birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
