im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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