I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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