I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
