so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
