I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
