Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just pynch a tree in the face
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
