I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
