I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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