Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
