You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize