then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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