I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
