I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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