I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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