u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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